Letting Go (and letting God) Is the Hardest Part…

A piece of my heart is in Cali…

Last night, 01.19.08, I watched a piece of my heart board a plane to California.
My daughter Nesa, 19.5 yrs old, felt impeded living in Mi, and as a show of support I offered to help remedy that.
In venting to my lil sis-who comments on here as ” Yo’ Sista” (she’s so original, lol)-she offered to help my baby, by offering her home to her.
It was sooo unexpected I broke down in tears. (yes, I did)
In what had to be the quickest passage of time, 30 days came and went, and it was time to drive my baby to the airport.
She chose the right day-so far it was the coldest day of 2008. A bitter, wintry cold that meant uncertain death for some unfortunate souls.

My daughter is the spitting image of me.

Her face is her father’s, but my daughter is a WWC (Women With Curves) member-like mommy, but not only that:
she loves hard
she’s loyal
loves to laugh
is staunch in her opinions
stands by her convictions
a procrastinator
is smart
blunt
will apologize if she’s offended
fights for the underdog
believes it takes a village to raise a child
doesn’t like change, but will change eventually
needs to know (by verbal and physical actions) that she’s loved
needs encouragement and guidance
and is crazy in love with Christ.

(fuzzy pic, but look how much taller my daughter is!!)
Our relationship is a testimony to Christ.
Our relationship was extremely tumultuous during her teenage years (14-17).
She blamed me for her life, and her father’s lack of participation in her life.
She strongly disliked me and vice versa.
She’s lived between my home and her paternal aunt.
We survived.
Things changed on her graduation day from high school.
She thanked me for raising her, and for my not allowing her to be a wildchild on the street.
I’ve since had to step back and watch her evolve into the woman that God not mom, has called her to be.

(Nesa w/ Mama Ivent-mama took Nesa’s leaving worse than I did!)
Lil’ Mama,
I know you’ll read this-
(since you’ve already checked in YBR! Thanks 4 leaving mom a comment!)
I want you to know as I’ve said a million times, I AM SO PROUD OF U!
Do NOT let people’s negative actions, words or deeds-clip your wings!
Nesa, you are an Eagle.
Remember just as the Eagle has these characteristics, so do you:

• Vision: Continue to see into your future. Remain focused, and continue to write the vision down and make it plain so God can manifest it. Think BIG if you want BIG RESULTS!!
• Eagles NEVER eat dead meat: Go where the action is. You’re the hunter-don’t let someone do the work and you get the leftovers. Go after what it is you want!
• Looks for and flies into storms: Don’t let this scare you! Eagles use the storm to lift him to these great heights. You, Nesa will use storms (challenges) to make you a better person. How will you know your resilience-if you’re not bent and bounced around by life, sometimes?? Accept the storms (challenges) you can’t stop them from happening. You’ll grow to learn this: storms are tools used to develop you.
• *Remember: life at times is like driving on a sheet of ice on MI streets. You can’t keep your car from sliding, but you can keep it from getting worse. Do you remember how? Stay calm, take your foot off the brake, and turn the steering wheel in the same direction as the skid (storm), not the opposite. In other words, work with the storm, skid, challenge-don’t fight it. You’ll only prolong the skid, and it can end disastrously.*
• Very Gentle & Attentive To (Their) Young: Nesa, God has imparted into you a great love for young people. You know what they need, when they need it. Continue to love, hug, kiss, and encourage young people. Especially those whose only point of contact may be you. I refer to you as the Pied Piper of Children. Your loyalty knows no bounds and thank you for getting little kids ready for school when their mamas’ wouldn’t. Combing hair, getting them dressed etc. You may have grown weary, but you never fainted, and God will reward your faithfulness and diligence. Eagle Characteristics

***
As I’ve said to you and your brother, “I didn’t raise y’all, y’all raised me!” lol
I thank God for my two motivators and I can’t wait to see you in Cali.
Thank you China doll for allowing me the privilege of being your mother.

You’ll always inspire me to be and do better.
Love you Shmeeny,
Mommy

My Goodness!

Have I overlooked neglected my blog for 27 days?! Well, not really, I started a post that’s still sitting in drafts-I promise I’ll finish it.

I’ve been preoccupied with trying to change templates on my other blog
You Better Recognize and I’m at a loss.

Anyhoo, my trip to L.A. was a success! I stayed with my dad and stepmom, but I spent a lot of time with my ex Colin. He’s the love that will never can’t be. We have different spiritual beliefs, he doesn’t understand my needs, and I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him! lol Can I KEEP IT REAL, please? it’s cool. We’ll always be friends.

I was also able to be with my “big sis” cousin Tisa-boo! I love that chile to death. She is the definition of “family” she has your back in whateva. And she KNOWS ERRRRRYBODY! I don’t care where we went, she knew somebody! it was funny.

One thing that absolutely amazed me about Cali: there’s a Starbucks on every corner-even in the hood. That’ll NEVER happen in Detroit! Seeing that many Starbucks was reason enough for me to consider moving back to Cali, I dang near od’d on Venti Carmel Macchiato w/soy!

I am moving back to Cali, I’ve decided. My motivation is my baby oldest child, my daughter Nesa, 19. While she’s “not a girl, not yet a woman” she is mature enough to know when to get outta dodge! In this case, get outta Michigan. Shoot, from the dismal job rate, to the Michigan ‘flight’ and the crappy weather-there’s really no motivation to stay here. I’ll be here in MI until my son graduates from high school, 2009.

My daughter is leaving me on January 20th. smh, I believe it but I don’t. She’s going to find a better life in Cali with my sister, Dee…2000 miles away.

Ok, Bria-get…it…to…gether…breathe! I’m trying to do this brave thing…but my baby eldest child is leaving me! I love that kid with every fiber of my being, and I’m so proud, AWFULLY proud of that girl young lady! I pray that everything she wishes, prays and hopes for is in Cali. I just want her to be happy, productive and CHRISTIAN still!

I know God has her. I have no doubt-God has her in the palm of his hand…sigh. Life.

We’re never satisfied. I couldn’t wait until she grew up, now that she’s an adult I wish she was a kid again her all the happiness in the world!

People. Pray for me.

Oh yeah…HAPPY NEW YEAR’S EVE *sniff, sniff*

I’m going going, back back to Cali Cali….

Tomorrow at 5:30 p.m. est, I will be en route to California!  I’m going to visit my paternal family and chill.  It’s been 2 years and I’m ready.  It’s funny-how I haven’t seen my dad in a couple of years and although I’m nearing 40yrs old (in 5 mos to be exact), I seem to revert to a teen when I’m around him again.  Why does that happen??
My dad is an incredible man.  He’s my dad, but he’s not my biological father.  You can’t tell him that he isn’t!  My dad, in my younger years, awkwardly put barrettes (fabric covered bands with balls on the ends) on me and my sister’s head when my mom was under the weather.  He would buy my “personals.”  My dad took me to Sears to buy my bras (as if), with no shame in his game.  My dad has done things for me,  that biological dads just wouldn’t do.  Was he attempting to overcompensate for the fact that he wasn’t my bio father?? Heck no.  My dad picked me up from school on the first day of my menstrual cycle, when I was suffering from debilitating cramps, nausea and intermittent hot flashes-because he loved me!  No questions asked.

I moved away from Cali and grew up to become the woman I am today. But occasionally, it’s ok to go home again, so that I can be my daddy’s “boo-boo”  once more.  It’s good to go home.

-Bria

Tony: The Makings of A Man

I’ve begged,pleaded, bartered, and threatened you to no avail
Your ideology regarding school caused you to fail.
Being handsome and witty gets you so far in school,
I’ve conveyed to you bluntly, who wants an Adonis looking fool?
It was, what it was.
It is, what it is.
Wasn’t looking for Doogie Howser,
Simply Tony,to handle your biz.

I reluctantly stood back.
I stood back and prayed.
When I thought your plight as a future black man,
My heart became weighed.

It was two weeks ago, when I entered your room.
You were laying on the bed, when you heard a big boom.
I literally fell to the ground, in shock and surprise.
You were reading your school book, before my eyes.
Excuse me?! Who are you and what have you done with my son?
You chuckled,blushed, and played along.
My mind quickly raced, not convinced something’s wrong.
You said,”ma chill out, I got something I’m workin’ on.”

When you turned and looked at me-I looked past you
There were your scribblings on paper, and you had a look of pride.
Thankful I allowed God to handle it,and let this thing ride.

Perplexed I asked, “I don’t get it, Tone what’s going on?
You replied, ma I’m getting older, I can’t keep playing this same song.
Wise beyond your 16 years, I felt such relief
I realized you finally “got it,” as I stared in disbelief.

You’ve encouraged me in life, now that I think back.
Remember when you told me, I was on the right train, but on the wrong track?
I’ve never laughed so hard when you, MY kid told me the truth.
And now you too are on the right track,learning early in youth.

See Tony, I can’t just want it, you have to want it for yourself.
You have one life to live, and you must excel.
I can lead you to water, but I can’t make you drink.
I can ask you challenging questions, but I can’t make you think.

You have to come into your own, and then you’ll understand.
That evolving, and maturity are the makings of a man.

I’m proud of you, Tony-keep up the good work!
-Mom

This piece and other uplifting works, may be viewed at:

Black Male Appreciation